he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
