Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
