Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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