Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
