she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
