When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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