I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
