so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
