Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
