Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
