so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
