I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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