This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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