I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
