It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
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