1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
