You can't special order awesome
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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