The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
