bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize
