There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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