I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
