you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
