How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
