Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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