i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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