trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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