Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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