my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I just gift wrapped bread.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
