I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
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