I accidentally had phone sex last night
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
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Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
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Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
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