My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
