I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
