You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
