I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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