i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
