Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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