i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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