im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
The power of my boobs compel you
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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