True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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