Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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