i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Sorry my hands just texted you
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
