Where did you get a picture of my penis
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Randomize
