I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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