I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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