last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
