Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
