kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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