He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
