i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
