the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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