you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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