i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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