Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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