I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
