I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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