He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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