i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Randomize
