you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
