Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
