Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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