Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Randomize
